Cracking? Or Cracking Myself Open?

So the week went by (again another) and I realize that when I step back and look at myself (life) for the last stretch of time and look for an inkling of evolution of growing better, stronger...oh, you know, more evolved, settling into "me" and who I am to be in this next half of life, divorced and starting over.... and I look and can't tell...Am I cracking, or cracking myself open?

I left a marriage that needed to be left years ago. Cracking myself open.

I started writing again. Cracking myself open.

I started to work on "me" (who am I anyway?). Cracking myself open.

I went from being a long tenured stay-at-home mother (garnished with a cum laude degree from a well respected college preceded by four years at a college preparatory school) to being in complete financial ruin, broke, re-entering the working world with an expired skill set, earning a pittance for an hourly wage, and standing in line at a local community organization with pile of utility bills, proof of mine and my kids' identities, copies of my pathetic paystubs, and applying for fuel assistance to get us through the winter. Cracking? Or Cracking myself open. That moment in that line, I think it was both. A crazy storm inside me. Where hope met fear and failure. New pride in my courage and resourcefulness. Fear of whether I could survive and support my family, and feeling like a failure for somehow getting us here. Not shame though. Fiery fear and vulnerability. #brenebrown

I walked away from a man who abused my children (two of the three) and stepped into a line where I needed the help of strangers and the system to help me. I came from a 2,900 sf home in the suburbs, I knew nothing about the "system" other than the banter on the 6 o'clock news or that volleyed across the dinner table while I was growing up with privilege as I did.

When you are cracking and cracking open, the wind isn't always at your back.

I received $675 off of my winter fuel bill for our New England family of four. Thank you to all of you strangers who put your time and money and compassion into even the tiniest piece of that happening for my family. Just so you others know (those on the bitter side of the politics for such assistance) , people aren't all out there "beating the system", some of us are trying not to crack.

Peace for Here and Now,
Ella Reese